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Berlin to Establish Third Zoo at Tempelhof Airport

Berlin will establish a third zoo. ‘Zoo 3’ will be ready to welcome its first vistors by July 1st, 2021, the Senate Administration said. Its location will be Tempelhof Airport. The airfield provides a lot of space. In 2008, the last flight took off from Tempelhof.

At this stage, the German capital has two zoos. Zoo Berlin used to be West Berlin’s zoo during the Cold War, and Tierpark Berlin was located in East Berlin, the capital of the communist GDR. Both zoos are popular. Vistors keep on sending in very positive evaluations.

But the Senate Administration believes another zoo is the way to go. After a thorough four-minute discussion it decided to go ahead. “It’s not like no tourists ever come to Berlin. They need something to see”, an insider said, under the condition of anonymity. “Let’s give them more animals.”

For ‘Zoo 3’, the Berlin Senate already picked a director. Professor Wolfgang Jäger was provided with a large budget of 228 million Euro (256 million Dollars or 196 million Pounds). At a press conference on Sunday evening, Professor Jäger told reporters ‘Zoo 3’ would be “the finest establishment in Berlin. Period.”

He announced, the new zoo would initially feature as many as 309 animals. After the first year, Jäger intends to increase that number to 492. “I already ordered 76 lamas from Peru”, he said.

On a detailed list obtained by The Berlin Spectator, it says the aquarium at ‘Zoo 3’ will accommodate two blue whales, twelve hammer head sharks, two lobsters and a dozen eels. The terrarium next door is supposed to provide space for “a few tetrapod vertebrates of the class amphibia” and “some of the most poisonous snakes money can buy”, Professor Jäger said.

In the 102 outdoor cages, visitors will be able to see cows, camels, canaries, cheetahs, chimpanzees and coyotes. A total of 17 cockroaches will have their own cockpit, right next to the cocktail bar for visitors.

One of the new zoo’s biggest attractions will be a swearing parrot. The bird will insult visitors. But there will be a sign warning faint-hearted and religious contemporaries who would rather bypass that attraction.

Berlin’s Governing Mayor Michael Müller said, ‘Zoo 3’ would be “an awesome spot” for the many tourists who visit the city. “Maybe we will get some of them off the streets, at least while they stare at that damned chinchilla cage”, the Mayor stated.

“Besides, ‘Zoo 3’ will provide a shitload of jobs”, Müller told reporters. “Constructing the entire thing will be a lot of work. You have no idea. This endeavor is huge. You better believe it.” Everyone present did.

Professor Jäger added that all animals ordered had names and numbers already. “Dalai is lama number 1. He has always been the leader of the pack and he is a peaceful fellow”, he said while showing reporters a photo on his smart phone.

At Berlin’s House of Representatives, the opposition harshly criticized the plans for ‘Zoo 3’. “Is the mayor nuts?”, a representative of the conservative CDU asked, adding it had been a rhetorical question. “He should make sure we have more cockroaches and lamas. These numbers will not convince anyone. Tell him to get chipmunks and ringtails too.”

A poll conducted about the new zoo among Berliners revealed that residents are torn. To the question whether they supported a third zoo in the city, almost 27 percent replied “Pepsi”, 11 percent said “by car”, while the remaining 62 percent responded “Leave me alone, you pervert”.

In spite of those results, most inhabitants seemed to want to have a say regarding the animals ‘Zoo 3’ will feature. Here, 61 percent said “no” and 171 percent responded they would prefer ‘Pizza Hawaii’ with pineapple, ham and cheese.

The new zoo will cover about half the airfield of the former airport in Tempelhof. But Professor Jäger intends to extend it further, over time. “Fifty percent? They probably believe I am stupid or something”, he said. “By the way: Have you seen my Coke can? It was right here.”

Early this morning, The Berlin Spectator managed to reach Governing Mayor Müller on the phone. “Thank you for calling Safeway in Boise, Idaho. You called outside our regular business hours”, Müller said.

“Please call again Mondays through Fridays from 9 a.m. to 6 p.m.”, the Governing Mayor told this publication. “We appreciate your call. In case of an emergency, please leave a message. Beeeep.”