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The Berlin Perspective: How to Lose the Berlin Marathon

I wanted to take part in the Berlin Marathon, but ran into a long list of issues. For instance, why would anyone register for a Marathon after it takes place?

Looking at the weighing scale six days ahead of the Berlin Marathon strengthened my determination. It said 106 kilos (234 pounds). Skipping the cheese sandwiches with thick layers of butter and the pizza would have been an option. But people need nutrition, right? What else was I going to eat? Salad leafs? Do I look like a goat?

Delicious Chocolate Bites

There had to be another way. Suddenly it hit me like a truck: Training is what people do before they do the Marathon, and not afterwards, right? So I consumed a ‘Pizza Hawaii’ with pineapple and cheese and got going. I was already sweating like a horse when I got to the supermarket where those ‘Ferrero Küsschen’ chocolate bites were on sale.

Back home I came to the conclusion that running 42 kilometers (26 miles) would be an exaggeration. Why even lose weight beforehand if I can do the ‘Breakfast Run’, a “slow-paced” 5-kilometer (3 miles) race? That way, I would still reach all of my goals: I would be able to say I did the Berlin Marathon, I would impress everyone and drop half my weight in the process. Let’s not forget all the fame.

While looking for my track suit, I remembered I needed to register for the Marathon, in order to get a number. But on their website, I ran into a peculiarity: The registration period is October 1st to October 31st. Why would anyone register for a Marathon after it takes place?

Street Chase

Then I noticed this was the registration for the 2020 Marathon and that I was exactly 348 days late for the registration for this year’s edition, which will commence in 5 days, 23 hours and 56 minutes, according to their website. Well, there must be a way to resolve this issue. What if I threatened them to pull out of the 2020 edition if they do not let me run this year? That’s it.

I got it all figured out. For the training, I will ask my neighbor to have his two mean Rottweilers chase me down the street. That will get me running. Then I will insult a ‘Hell’s Angels’ member and run away from him. And I will fill tiny, transparent plastic bags with white washing powder in order to show them to the next police officers who drive by. Oh yes, they will definitely make me move.

See you at the Marathon. By the way: Have you seen my left sock?

Photo by Sebaso. The English version of the Berlin Marathon’s website can be accessed here. The event takes place on September 28th and 29th, 2019.