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The Top 10 Worst New Year’s Resolutions Ever

New Year’s resolutions are about as useless as bicycle pumps, meaning they never work. People usually list them anyway until they notice that dumping all New Year’s resolutions for good is actually the best one.

Anyway, these are the Top 10 Worst New Year’s resolutions of all time:

10

Convert to pdf, stop cutting your toe nails and get a lactose-free cow.

9

Start exporting Appenzeller cheese to Switzerland, tulips to the Netherlands and tea to England.

8

Purchase a Tesla Model S and have a gasoline-sucking Ford V8 5.7 liter engine installed in the front trunk. Then place a ‘Fridays for Future’ sticker on its rear, call Elon Musk and ask him what time it is.

7

Start smoking.

6

Help the economy by ordering a lawnmower at Victoria’s Secret and sexy lingerie at Ace Hardware.

7

Listen to Led Zeppelin backwards at twice the normal speed. ‘Stairway to Heaven’ will sound like ‘Escalator to Hell. ‘In Through the Outdoor’ will sound like ‘Out Through the Indoor’.

6

Book a Ryanair flight. At the check-in counter, demand to be flown on a Boeing 737 MAX and throw chocolate bagels at them if they fail to comply, which they will.

5

Fall in love with a Rock star, stop going to work and open an Ashram in Pittsburgh.

4

Stop swearing, dammit!

3

Change all of your passwords to ‘password’ and ask your 712 Facebook friends to guess what your password is.

2

Never write stupid New Year’s resolution lists like this one ever again.

1

Have breakfast with Scarlett Johansson, lunch with Gerard Butler and dinner with Anne Hathaway. Once you sit down at the table, ask them who the f*ck they are.