The Berlin Spectator
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The Berlin Perspective: ‘May I Speak to Mr. Corona, Please?’

In case of emergency, reaching Mr. Corona on the phone is something even Ethan Hunt would not manage to do. I will keep on trying anyway.

“Thank you for calling. If you are one of the imbeciles who are trying to reach Mr. Corona, please press 1. For his assistant, press 1 as well. But since you won’t speak to anyone anyway, you may just as well hang up. Have a good day.”

The Latest Trend

What a pity. I was going to tell him it had been clear he would be coming one day, but that we do not want him, and that he should pack up his virus and get lost. Infecting people at Chinese markets, all over the world or in Berlin is not acceptable.

So, men above 50 with pre-existing conditions are threatened the most? The 54-year-old guy with a pre-existing condition thanks you. Let me go and get my ration of canned food before it is sold out. Panic buying is the latest trend in Germany.

Panic Buying for Starters

This is how to do it: Grab a million bags or boxes and your credit card, rent a delivery van and race to a large supermarket. Push weaker and shorter customers out of your way and bypass the stronger and taller ones with muscles of exaggerated sizes while walking through the aisles and grabbing any items that are not attached to the floors or walls.

Ham, cheese, canned meatballs in soup, frozen pizza ‘Hawaii’, energy bars, fried and dried onions, all the Kellogg’s products on Earth and hamburger patties. Max out your card at the cashier and try to get those tons of items into the van. In case you live on the 5th floor, rent a crane. Then sit in your apartment for the next two years and lock the door.

The NASA Approach

In case you intend to get the newspaper and letters out of your post box, wear a NASA space suit of the kind those guys wore during their Moon walks. Or move into a tiny wooden hut without Wifi, running water or electricity in some forest, like Ted Kaczynski.

Remember to remember: Hanging in there is the most important thing of them all. Is this thing affecting all of us by now? Probably. Does panicking help? Maybe. In order to try, open a window, stand in front of it, put your hands above your head, wave them and shout: “Help! I need somebody. Not just anybody. Help! You know I need someone. Won’t you please, please help me?” It works well. I tried.

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