The Berlin Spectator
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The Berlin Perspective: How to Lose the Berlin Marathon

I wanted to take part in the Berlin Marathon last year, but ran into a long list of issues. For instance, why would anyone register for a Marathon after it takes place?

Looking at the bathroom scales, six days ahead of the Berlin Marathon, strengthened my resolve. It said 106 kilos (234 pounds). Skipping the cheese sandwiches with thick layers of butter and the pizza would have been an option. But people need nutrition, right? What else was I going to eat? Salad leafs? Do I look like a goat?

Delicious Chocolate Bites

There had to be another way. Suddenly it hit me like a truck: Training is what people do before they do the Marathon, and not afterwards, right? So I consumed a ‘Pizza Hawaii’ with pineapple and cheese and got going. I was already sweating like a horse when I got to the supermarket where those ‘Ferrero Küsschen’ chocolate bites were on sale.

Back home I came to the conclusion that running 42 kilometers (26 miles) would be an exaggeration. Why even lose weight beforehand if I can do the ‘Breakfast Run’, a “slow-paced” 5-kilometer (3 miles) race? That way, I would still reach all of my goals: I would be able to say I did the Berlin Marathon, I would impress everyone and drop half my weight in the process. Let’s not forget all the fame.

While looking for my track suit, I remembered I needed to register for the Marathon, in order to get a number. But on their website, I ran into a peculiarity: The registration period is October 1st to October 31st. Why would anyone register for a Marathon after it takes place in September?

Street Chase

Then I noticed this was the registration for this year’s Marathon and that I was exactly 348 days late. Well, there must be a way to resolve this issue. What if I threatened them to pull out of the 2021 edition if they do not let me run this year? That’s it!

I got it all figured out. For the training, I will ask my neighbor to have his two mean Rottweilers chase me down the street. That will get me running. Then I will insult a gang of ‘Hell’s Angels’ members on Harley Davidsons. Oh yes, they will definitely make me move.

Well, now we will definitely lose the 2020 Marathon. Because the whole thing was just cancelled, thanks to Mr. Corona. By the way: Have you seen my left sock?

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