Update: August 19th, 2026 (The Berlin Spectator) — Looking at the bathroom scale, 38 days ahead of the Berlin Marathon, strengthened my resolve. It said 95 kilos (209 pounds). Skipping the cheese sandwiches with thick layers of butter and the pasta would have been an option. But people need nutrition, right? What else was I going to eat? Salad leaves? Do I look like a goat?
There had to be another way. Suddenly it hit me like a truck: Training is what people do before they do the Marathon, and not afterwards, right? So I consumed a Pizza Hawaii and got going. I was already sweating like a horse when I got to the supermarket where those “‘”Ferrero Küsschen” chocolate bites were on sale.
Back home I came to the conclusion that running 42 kilometers (26 miles) would be an exaggeration. Why even lose weight beforehand if I can do the “Breakfast Run”, a “slow-paced” five-kilometer (three miles) race? That way, I could still reach all of my goals: I would be able to say I did the Berlin Marathon, I would impress everyone and drop half my weight in the process. Let’s not forget all the fame.
Street Chase
While looking for my track suit, I remembered I needed to register for the Marathon, in order to get a number. But on their website, I ran into a peculiarity: The registration period ends on November 6th. Why would anyone register for a Marathon after it takes place on September 27th?
Then I noticed I was exactly 286 days late for the registration of this year’s Berlin Marathon. WTF? Well, there must be a way to resolve this issue. What if I threatened them to pull out of the 2027 edition if they do not let me run this year? That’s it!
I got it all figured out. For the training, I will ask my neighbor to have his two mean Rottweilers chase me down the street. That will get me running. Then I will insult a gang of Hell’s Angels members on Harley Davidsons. Oh yes, they will definitely make me move.
Guys, let’s lose this year’s Berlin Marathon. By the way: Have you seen my left sock?
