The holiday season is a good opportunity to eat properly. Anyone can be skinny as a stick. We won’t.
Berlin, December 2nd, 2019. Update: December 4th, 2022 (The Berlin Spectator) — We are supposed to gain some weight during the holiday season. When we get bigger, we will not be cold in winter. Whoever eats properly will stand on his or her feet in a more stable manner, instead of floating around like Neil Armstrong during his Moon walk. Hungry? Eat something.
These are the 10 best ways to gain weight during the holiday season:
1. STOLLEN
Grab some German Christmas Stollen at your local supermarket. Cut it into slices. Make sure to apply a thick layer of butter on top of each slice.
2. MARY POPPINS
Do it like Mary Poppins. Make some Christmas cookies and eat them while they are still warm. Who says cookies have calories? The one Gluten-free vegan guru you know? Forget about it and eat.
3. ADDITIONAL LAYER
Make a pizza and make sure to add an additional layer of cheese. Is there any law that says there shouldn’t be plenty of cheese on your pizza? Of course not. Consume it.
4. MORE VEGGIES
Make a hamburger, with all the trimmings you like. Your spouse says you should eat more vegetables? Well, add some avocado slices to your hamburger. Mission accomplished.
5. FRIED BIRD
So you are hungry at 2 a.m. and feel like having a snack? How about some fried bird? You shouldn’t go to bed hungry. Not during the holiday season.
6. CARROT SLICES
Anything made with Nutella is delicious. Eat some Nutella sandwiches and Nutella pancakes. Or use it as a dip for cookies. Is anyone trying to stop you? Tell them to choke down their salad leaves and carrot slices without you.
7. ENERGY
So you followed points 1 to 6 and ran out of energy? Consume a nice steak.
8. HOLIDAY WALK
Your family wants to make you take a “nice holiday walk” to the Christmas market in the city center? Laughable. If people were supposed to walk back and forth like crazy, they wouldn’t have invented the taxi.
9. HEAD AND TORSO
Are you feeling this tiny bit of hunger between the cheese pizza and that giant hamburger? Have a chocolate Santa Clause. First, bite off its head. Then swallow the torso.
10. CONSUMPTION
Sure, food can look pretty damn good, including cakes with Mentos or Smarties on top. But that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be consumed immediately.
