The Berlin Spectator
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The Berlin Perspective: How to Explain it to a Person Who Was in a Coma for a Year

In case you just woke up from a 12-month coma, this letter is for you. There is something you need to know right now. We refrained from beating around the bush.

Dear person:

Welcome back. Please sit down before you read this. Take a deep breath, have a glass of lactose-free milk and some plum cake. We have some bad news for you. You won’t believe this. Ready? Here we go.

The year 2020 was pretty bad. In early January, everyone read about some mutated SARS virus they were looking into in China, after denying it for weeks. And nobody gave a damn. Now that you read the previous sentences, you will probably have guessed what this whole thing is all about. Please calm down and have another gulp of cow juice before you continue.

Bathroom Tissue

Unfortunately, the virus they call Corona spread all over the world within weeks. The leaders of most governments listened to scientists and figured out what the best anti-Corona strategy was. But those autocrats in the District of Columbia, Moscow and Brasilia came up with an overdose of BS.

People in some countries showed how much they cared by buying away all the toilet paper and ravioli cans offered at supermarkets. They became Netflix subscribers and gained weight. And they continued to party for too long.

Professional Retraining

First, the airlines shut down. The cinemas, restaurants, beauty parlors and museums followed. Then, when something hit the fan in fall, everything shut down. There was nothing left to do, apart from watching ‘Bridge of Spies’ for the 342nd time.

Dear person, please take our advice: In case you are a musician, try to become a doctor or a pizza delivery person as quickly as possible. If you are a 747 pilot, you might want to look into becoming a baker or tram driver. People who own boutiques should convert them into pharmacies ASAP.

Good Luck

Today, we do not know whether all of this will actually end by the summer of 2021. We do have vaccines. But you better be old. If you’re 24, the wait will probably take until 2098. Hey, it could still be worse.

Now, get out of your bed, get dressed, purchase some masks, go out there and look at the mess the virus has turned the world into. Just pretend you are not surprised. We warned you. Good luck.

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