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The Berlin Perspective: Annoying Contemporaries in this City

Becoming exasperated in Berlin is easy. Some people believe they are “the last bottle of Coca Cola in the desert”, as they say in Mexico. By the way: Looking at the most annoying Berliners will distract us from the Corona mess, at least for a moment.

In the 1990s, it was all the dog sh*t on the streets of Berlin, including my late puppy’s droppings in Uhlandstrasse which I did clean up 83.8 percent of the time. Today, broken glass on bike lanes is a big nuisance. Hey! Why is it always the bike lane? Besides, if drinking makes you incapable of caring about anything, or holding your glass bottle without dropping it, you should not be consuming alcoholic beverages in the first place. Period.

Endless Puberty

Who is next? Oh yes, those motorcyclists who believe everyone loves their terrifying noise as much as they do themselves. Sure, we admire you for terrorizing us. Do you have any idea how many babies you just woke up by racing by like an idiot with your manipulated exhaust pipe? Puberty is supposed to end at age 17. Get a life. And no, this is not about the moderate, conscientious Suzuki biker who just wants to feel the wind in his or her face on Frankfurter Allee, but rather about the self-proclaimed hotshot.

We are not going to get into Corona deniers and mask refuseniks here, since we already have, many times. Nor is this piece about racists, antisemites, homophobic and xenophobic individuals or misogynists. This rant is supposed to be loaded with mostly non-political complaints that have to do with everyday life in Berlin. But those who belong to the categories mentioned in this paragraph should go to hell anyway.

Rear-View Mirror

Let’s send a message to pedestrians and cyclists who wear headphones: First of all, using them while you ride your bike is forbidden, for good reasons. Secondly, why do people have to listen to their daily dose of Chopin, Hendrix or Techno crap on the street? Trying to talk to those people is pretty difficult. For instance, when you ask them where they got the delicious looking ice cream cone they are licking, or what in the hell they are listening to, they seem to be annoyed. Well, so am I.

Drivers of cars with diplomatic and government number plates that start with ‘O’ can cause pretty bad headaches too. Many of them drive like morons. Hey, Mr. or Mrs. Important, check your rear-view mirror. The object that is closer than it may appear seems to be me on my bicycle, showing you the appropriate finger.

More Disgusting Sh*t

So, you want to smoke pot on the street or on your balcony? Get lost. Neither do I smoke pot, nor do I want to inhale yours on the sidewalk or when I open my damned window. Smoking anything in the staircase is very wrong as well. Inhale that stuff in isolated places, if you really need it.

Even more disgusting sh*t? No problem. Here we go: Those individuals who sniff back their snot and spit it on the street should be doing so in their bedrooms instead. I insist.

But, let’s not get heart attacks today. Besides, dear fellow Berliners, most of us are good people, right? You know we are pretty decent.

What was the question again?